


OUAT DOO DO DOOOOO

by jedicaro



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 16:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4443524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedicaro/pseuds/jedicaro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Crack Fic!!! When OUAT meets Scooby-Doo! The gang embarks in a new mystery! This time, to find who is hiding behind the mask of Marion's Ghost!</p><p>Gotta say, this came out after a long crack conversation with EnchantMeNot777. This is what coffee does! It's the caffeine's fault! I swear!</p>
            </blockquote>





	OUAT DOO DO DOOOOO

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was for pure fun! Just for a good laugh lol

It’s just another normal day in Storybrooke. Sun is shinning, chickens are running wild down the street, Cruella is still dancing naked on the middle of the road while Ursula sings ‘I Will Survive’, and the gang is having breakfast at Granny’s.

While Charming and Snow are engaged in an awfully boring conversation in the corner, Emma is looking outside the window trying to guess what the hell Cruella is smoking lately. Her eyes start roaming down the English woman’s body and feel the need to puke, badly!

“That woman needs to eat! She is pure skin and bones!”, Emma said, her eyes never leaving Cruella’s body.

“Well, I thought that dogs like you loved to eat some skin and bones”, Regina said sarcastically.

Emma rapidly looked towards the brunette who was sitting right across from her, “What do you mean by that?!”

“Well, the other day you said my ass was too heavy to be on top of you. So, why not go over there to her and ask her for a quickie? I mean, I bet she can do the helicopter”, Regina took a sip of her coffee, raising an eyebrow at the blonde.

Emma looked at her in shock, “Your ass is not heavy at all! It’s just…hard to maneuver?”

Regina placed her cup of coffee down at the table; her eyes still locked with the blonde’s, “Well, then you won’t mind not maneuvering my heavy ass for a few days? Why don’t you go maneuver your vibrator at the couch?”

Emma looks at her in panic, “But, think of the children!”

Regina stood up from the table and looked around the dinner. All the sudden, all the children in the room started screaming and running out the door like their lives depended on it.

“What the flying fuck!”, the brunette said looking at Granny, “I don’t know what the hell just happened”

Granny walked towards Regina and slapped her behind the head, “Stop scaring the children!”

The brunette was in total shock, “But what did I do!”

Emma started laughing on the table. Regina walked towards her and slap her behind her head, “Still think is funny, dear?”

The blonde shook her head left and right, “Nope”

“Good, cause now you are sleeping on the couch without any blankets”

“But WHYYYY!”, Emma said with puppy eyes.

“Cause I said so”, Regina answered, “If you want to have a blanket, you can go shake your naked booty with Cruella out there”

“Say what?!”, Emma looked outside, then back to Regina, “Nope”

“Will you do it for a Regina snack?”, Snow asked from the end of the table.

“Mmmmm, nope” 

“Will you do it for two Regina snacks?”, Snow asked taking a box out of her bag that read ‘Regina Snacks’.

“Mmmm, ok”, Emma grabbed the cookies from Snow’s hand, stood up, and started to take her clothes’ off. Regina looked at her in complete shock. The blonde walked out the dinner and joined Cruella outside. Now Ursula started singing ‘Wannabe’ from the Spice Girls.

“I’ve seen everything”, Regina said in shock.

“Not likely, my Queen. But I could show you a great night with a full grown man”, she heard Robin say from behind her. She rolled her eyes in frustration.

“Enlighten me, how are you going to show me a great night?”

“Well, for starters…”

“For starters you will slowly walk away from my woman before I use your manhood to start a fire”, Emma said from the door, standing in ‘Super Man’ pose while still naked.

Regina had to smile at the sight, “So Robin, is that all you wanted to say?”

“NO!”, he said looking everywhere except at Emma, “I need your help. The ghost of Marion is running around the forest and at night it tries to molest me”

“Molest you?”, Emma asked, already dressed.

Regina looked up and down the blonde’s body, “How the hell you got dressed so fast and without me even noticing it?!” 

“I don’t know, ask the writer…she is the one in control”, Emma smiled looking up and waving at me…the writer.

“I’m sorry, didn’t want to waste time dressing you”, I (the writer) answered, “Now please, continue were you left off”

Going back to the story, Emma looked at Robin, “So, going to the part where Marion is molesting you at night. Isn’t she your wife anyway?!”

“She is dead”, he answered hugging himself, “She said…she wants to…she said she wants to put my lollypop in her oven!”

“Well, that’s dandy mate!”, Hook said out of nowhere.

The gang looked at the Pirate and then looked up at me, all of them asking, “REALLY?!” 

“Hey! I’m bored here!”, I answered in my defense.

They all looked at Hook with a death glare and I said, “You need your mascot, anyway”

“That’s what she said”, Kermit the frog said from the bar, coffee in hand, “Now go on! Continue with this! It has sparked my interest”

The gang looked back at Robin, Emma walking closer to the bandit and placing a hand on his shoulder, “Now, have you given her your lollypop?”

“Yes!”, Robin answered crying like a child, “It felt so real!”

“You are crying like a child now, but not five minutes ago you wanted to play in MY playground?!”, the blonde said sarcastically looking at Regina, “And you dated this guy?”

The brunette looked around, “A girl has needs” 

“I need more than two Regina snacks after this job”, the blonde said, not noticing Regina’s evil grin in the process, “We’ll help you”

“Yay! Thank you!”, Robin said hugging Emma, humping her like a bunny in the process.

“Ok retard, break it up!”, the blonde pushed him away, “Let’s head to the forest”

 

* * *

 

The forest…

The gang arrived at the forest with their Pirate mascot in tow. Robin was skipping down the road and owned it like a BOSS! Emma and Regina looked at each other with a ‘what the fuck’ look and stopped at their tracks when they saw Cruella, naked and dancing once again at the rhythm of Britney Spears’ ‘Oops, I did it Again’, but this time she was using a tree trunk as a poll.

“Poll…dancing”, Emma said in shock, “What the hell? What is the sole purpose of her poll dancing naked in the middle of the forest?”

“Well darling, she provides the entertainment”, Maleficent said placing a hand on the small of Regina’s back, “Talking about entertainment, my oh my! Your boobs are bigger than I remember, Gina!”

She was looking straight down the brunette’s shirt, her hand pulling the shirt a bit, having a better view of the Evil Cleavage, “You do have more than your hands can handle, Miss Swan!”

Emma walked forward and slapped the sorceress hand away from Regina’s shirt, “No touchi!!!! My boobies!”

Maleficent summoned a whiskey bottle and drank straight from it, “Don’t make me slap that cute little ass of yours”

Regina smiled and turned her head a little to the right, noticing Snow on the ground on fetal position screaming at the top of her lungs, “POOOOORRRRNNNNNN!!!!”

“I think that did it for her, Emma. Your mother is out! K.O. motherfuckers!!!!!”, Regina started dancing with pompoms in hand.

“Regina…”

“Hey Snow!”, Regina said still dancing, “Give me a P, PPPPP! Give me an I, IIIIIII! Give me an R, RRRRR! Give me an N, NNNN! What does it say?! POOOORRRRRRNNNNNN MOTHERFUCKERSSS!!!!”

Emma, Maleficent, Hook, David, Robin, naked Cruella, and Ursula all looked at her in disbelief while Snow started rolling down the small hill towards the lake. That was the last time Snow was seen for days.

“What?! I’ve been waiting years and realms to do that! That brat was asking for it”, Regina said throwing the pompoms to the side and walking towards the Merry Men camp.

The gang followed her. At their arrival, they saw Marion’s Ghost placing a Turkey in the oven. They all looked around trying to find the logic in this picture.

“An oven…in the middle of the forest?!”, Emma asked.

“Magic dear”, Marion said skipping towards Robin and giving him a kiss, “I was waiting for you! I have wonderful news!” 

They all looked at each other and took at seat in a nearby trunk in the ground, Regina magically summoning popcorn and passing it down the rest of the gang.

“Can you summon some beer?”, David whispered.

“And Rum?”, Hook whispered with a huge grin.

Regina rolled her eyes and summoned the alcohol, passing it to them, “Any other special requests?”

“Yes”, Emma whispered, “How about a kiss and a quickie?”

“That has to be later. I’m currently enjoying the show”, Regina whispered back giving the blonde a kiss on the cheek, “Now be a good girl and share the popcorn”

“As you wish, my Queen”

They all grew quiet, waiting to see what Marion’s Ghost had to say to the bandit.

“News? What news?”, he asked all nervous.

“I’m pregnant!”

“NOOOOOO!!!”, the whole gang exclaimed, popcorn flying everywhere.

“That’s some lollypop, mate!”, Hook said taking a sip of rum.

“How is that possible? You are a ghost! What the hell are we having, a ghost baby?!”

“I don’t know, maybe a leprechaun after hitting her with your shillelagh stick!”, David shouted high fiving Hook in the process.

“He does have a point”, Emma whispered to Regina taking her root bear away a gulping it down. Regina looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

“Where did you get your manners, Miss Swan?”

“I don’t know, Gina. But your girlfriend must be an animal in bed”, a drunken Maleficent answered running her tongue against her teeth.

“Yes she is, Mal. She has one mean tongue”, Regina teased.

Emma almost sprayed them with root beer. Her eyes went back to the scene where a shocked Robin didn’t know what to say to the news.

“Honey?”, Marion asked slapping him, “Yo, react already!”

“Hey guys!”, everyone turned slightly to see Belle entering the camp and walking towards Marion, stopping very close to her, “And you…”

“Me what?”, Marion asked.

“You aren’t who you say you are”, Belle said pulling at Marion’s hair, a mask falling and revealing Zelena under it.

“Zelena!!!!”, the gang exclaimed popcorn flying in the air once more, plus beer bottles and some shoes who no one knows where they came from.

“Yes, it’s me! And I’m still pregnant and I still fucked your man!”, she said pointing at Regina.

“So let me get this straight”, Hook started to say sipping some rum from his bottle, “Robin here chose Marion, fucked Regina while the maiden was frozen, he went back to Marion, made a wild turkey in her oven, she is actually Zelena…mate! You have fucked both Mills sisters!! What a champ!!”

Everyone ignored him and looked at Regina, “Go on!”

The brunette looked around pointing at herself, “My man? Last time I checked I was having sexy times with the Savior. I already upgraded my package to the Swan Orgasm Explosion Package”

Zelena was left in shock looking at Robin who had fainted in the process, “What a sissy…so I got pregnant for no reason?”

“Pretty much”, Regina said grabbing one of Emma’s boobs, “I’m hitting this”

Everyone turned towards them with eyes wide open.

“POOOORRRRNNNNN!”, was heard in the far distance.

“So, can I at least watch?”, Hook asked with a grin. 

“I’m sorry, that wont be possible”, Emma said, “It’s a closed show”

“But, what will happen next?”, Belle asked, “What we will do with her and the baby?”

Kermit the Frog walks in with coffee in hand, “Sorry, #NoSpoilers”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
